This is my first willing public post. I was moved to write this because of an interview I recently read online in Time Magazine. The interviewed person was # RoseMcGowan . The interview was of her rape by Weinstein and her calling him out on it, which made her one of the People of the Year. In it, she made a comment that I feel should follow up on. I will reference that at the end of this post. So, here goes:
When I was younger, not so wise, and full of pride, I presented myself as a flirty, fun, trustworthy gentleman, and I honestly thought of myself that way.
I dated a young woman for a short time. To make a long story short, the relationship went bad and I turned into that "stalker former boyfriend." I honsetly thought that if we talked things out, we would come to an understanding. I invited her over for dinner. She reluctantly agreed. long sleeve wedding collections with lace
Needless to say, the night didn't go as I had hoped it would, as I was unable to convince her of my point of view.
Then things went into hellish territory for a woman from there.
I became angry and I tried to force myself upon her. Thankfully I did not commit rape, but I was far closer to doing so than I ever should have been. Rightfully, she avoided me for a long time afterward. Eventually, she broke off contact altogether.
Years later, I married. Unfortunately, the cycle of abuse continued. My SO was abused sexually, and I brought back memories and feelings she had spent years dealing with in a healthy manner. We are still separated as of this writing.
I'm not proud of this. Every time I remember what I did to them, I feel sick. I feel disgusted with my actions. I cannot tell you how many times I wished I could go back and punch myself before I commited those actions.
My mental health is not an excuse to do such things to any woman. My status as a man in today's society is not an excuse to do such things to any woman. Male privilege is not an excuse to do such things to any woman. My anger is not an excuse to do such things to a woman.
NOTHING JUSTIFIES THAT TREATMENT OF A WOMAN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
I now have a daughter of my own. I am terrified for her. I am terrified that a guy she thinks is trustworthy will do to her what I had done to my ex-girlfriend.
So, as an effort to help bring to light those of us who have done such things, and to draw attention to just how common and rampant it is in our global society, I will take Rose McGowan's suggestion to heart:
# IDIDIT I wish I had not ever done so. I hope other men will be willing to be as honest and use the hashtag, not as a point of pride, but as a start or continuation of correcting the prevalent rape culture our children are being raised in.
UPDATE: If the woman I violated reads this, and she may or may not remember me, I don't expect forgiveness. Though I am truly sorry I caused you so much mental anguish, I understand an apology will never be enough.
To my SO, I understand actions are needed, not apologies. Should things work out between us, I will be respectful of your choices, needs, and boundaries.